Baby Zen

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 2013

Baby Zen

I woke up today with a warm feeling on my chest. I thought for a bit what that might be – ah, it was the physical memory of holding baby Poppy yesterday as she gazed at me singing “Silent Night” before her afternoon nap.

Baby Zen. Just being with her relaxes me, takes away all other thoughts, concerns. What does she need right now? There are limited options -- is she hungry, need her diaper changed, is she tired or bored by the activity? All concerns easily remedied.

She forces me to be only in the moment. Pulling the long green caterpillar out of the toy box is the only thing that matters. Look at the way she can now grasp the tendrils, is thrilled by the emerging body, and then considers its taste by sucking on its side.  Look at how well she can sit up now all by herself! Ah, the smell of her sweet head, like the baby ducks I used to cuddle on the farm in the spring.

Yesterday I was worried that she might not recognize me because we hadn’t seen each other for more than 10 days. Such relief and joy when she smiled and reached for me as I came in. Nothing better than to have a baby snuggling in your shoulder, happy to be perched on your slightly swaying hip. Simply the best.

It may be that baby Zen is reserved for grandmothers. I know I rarely experienced baby Zen when my own daughter was a baby.  Maybe once in a while late at night when all there was to do was get her back to sleep – then I’d cradle Lily in my arms and sing our “Guys with the Eyes” song swaying in front of the painting with the cartoon figures: 

“The guys with the eyes, they’re looking at you,
 The guys with the eyes they say your eyes are blue!
The guys with the eyes are looking at you,
The guys with the eyes say, ‘We love you!’”

She’d stare and stare at those big eyes and eventually be lulled back to sleep.

But during the day there was always too much other stuff to be thinking about, even when I was on maternity leave for the fall semester – what were we having for supper, how can we get to the grocery store, will I have time to fold and put away the laundry while Lily is taking her nap?  Will she take a nap?  Will she be happy in the swing long enough for me to call the garage to get the oil changed in the car?  I’m so sleepy, maybe I can close my eyes for a few minutes…

Now I look at new mothers struggling with their car seats and groceries and want to say, “Relax, enjoy this part, it doesn’t last long.” But they’ve heard that, I’m sure, cause everyone says “they grow up so quickly.” It’s true in a way – one day you are dropping them off at kindergarten and the next you are filling out college applications. But in those early days if you are trying to get something else done simultaneously as most mothers are, it can feel like eternity – will she never go to sleep?

Maybe baby Zen is reserved for retired grandmothers. I know how lucky I am to have my granddaughter close enough to see often. My grandmother friends are so envious and I am so grateful that my son Alex and his wife Alys have decided to live here. I also know what good timing it is to not have to worry about my job anymore. What an unexpected pleasure that I get to practice baby Zen.